something i have bottled up for a long time

Hello chingus !!

its been a long time I actually really wrote and i said that i achieved to blog more this year but apparently it was kinda impossible to do so. But I've got a few post i prepared to fill up for the year but you guys can look forward to it. #chungmoment is definitely gonna come back towards the end of the year and some stuff i did which i didnt mange to find the time and all. so this post is just gonna be a cover up on what i orignally wanted to post but imma not gonna post it first because it was really a heartfelt of thinking into that post and maybe ill reconsider posting it once i feel comfortable about it since its gonna be a few of you who are gonna see it !! but if not , then  i guess ill just make do with this as the closest to what it's about and all. But I hope whatever is here really just be kept to yourself because it took me alot of courage to raise this struggle as somebody who has hopes and faith in something I strongly had on.

Alright , so like im currently passing through a rough season . its like a mixture of doubt , worries , fears and anxiety. Probably from too much of bottling up and now its just gonna be as difficult as it gets because I feel like i've came to a point I rlly dont think its easy for me to express it in anyways because when im prepared to do , it always seem like it isnt the time and everything . In addition, with all the politics and stuff I've heard , it just adds on doubt and worries about my walk as a christian with the values and teaching I'm always at at a daily basis. And honestly , I know i am bound to here such stuff but who knew who was ever prepared to even hear it.

my direction in the church as very unclear. Recently I've heard such things that has made me doubt on alot of the things I've learn/ gonna teach in the future in roles . It was something i felt like kinda affected me in a sense i doubt every single thing that was thought by certain people in the community. Especially when they are just as close as you could have ever thought . Honestly, How could somebody be still alright when common visions and teaching just doesnt seem to match. One says this and the other says something else. division ??? do they exist? you would be surprised how there are division of beliefs they have. I came to a point that maybe This isnt the right time for me to step up and serve in such an area. It got me quite hard ever since I heard it and I would be lying if I say i dont think about it sometimes. Its hard to be in a place of doubt with everything that has regarding to how it can contribute to my walk . If it cannot justify my walk , does it do more harm than good to me ? It may seem like its really nothing right now but it will eventually someday because honestly this are real life and death situations. I remember Jon raising this problem up in terms of the how he was affected with all the whole saga and all and i was even more afraid. yeah I know I'm 18 and i honestly would come to a point that i will hear such things but honestly I felt I wasnt even ready to hear it because of the hopes and dreams I aspire. Maybe its just me always wanting to do more than others would. 

Trust issues came along. No not in people but in whatever the other party was trying to talk to me regarding any lessons to learn. its actually pretty hard to carry these thinking because after all we are the church.The only common goal in life should be our after life with the Lord right ? 

[03/11] I just came back from Holy Ghost meeting with a very heavy heart during the session. Never did I felt more desperate than yesterday to stop this thinking of entire saga.Pastor Sam prayed and I couldnt help myself but to stop thinking about it . Came YCHLE( wont say who ) and prayed but it came to me clear . It used the exact things that i was very suspicious about and it regarded to everything that was linked to the saga. I didnt feel like doing but i had to hear him out what it was gonna say but i felt like it was from God and at the same time it was just its own conscience. The anxiety to even trust somebody who didnt even do much to me but already has a barrier... istg i really felt like shit it doesnt deserve it. 

A thought came to me about how it was so important to read the word of God and I feel like it all make sense. The world isnt right all the time and really its not safe to rely on anybody for these 'facts' but Jesus. From tommorow onwards ( today is 04/11 , im gonna make it clear about this entire saga. I have been always wanting to talk to Jon but he has always been too busy for anything and it sucks because it has been bottled up since june and i felt i shouldnt have done it because there were other things that affected me too. YCHLE mention to me about ' sometimes your cup is filled to the brim and it just overflows , you have a passion to care for others' that cup, i dont know what did it mean, could it be about overflowing kindness or just about my bottling up.... maybe to even begin with its from his own conscience JBFLJDUWU. As i was saying, im gonna do something about it before the year ends because it will affect me more in the future and at the same time gonna pray most of the time about it because the church has been in such a season. 

anyways whoever manage to get my link , and actually read this, thank you so much and honestly pls keep this entire post a prayer because it will definitely not just affect me but the generation that are yet to step up. and i really appreciate if you dont spread this post because it has taken me awhile to post it.... sorry if this entire post is very messy because i did no planning in what to write and everything.. if you all got anything to ask please let me know alright..

take heart 

chung