just clearing my thoughts
anyways , this post its just going to be me clearing my thoughts and sort them out . I guess its kind of messy with so many nostalgia feelings of my previous relationship after all the dramas i watch and putting myself into situations that im listening to so many sad osts and feeling very numb. Yes it has been 3 years but i just want to take this matter to clear up the situation for myself because somehow it has been haunting me but i just felt like I need to do something about it. Like its actually affecting me in so many ways of my personal life. Since Im more matured to take this up , i would like to speak about the mess that caused a huge chaos into my life and how it was difficult to move on to other things to bring myself forward .
Firstly , this whole breakup thing , Im over it , I moved on if you ever wonder . I dont really give a fuck about anything and whatever happen that day . I admit I was too blindly in love with the whole situation that I forgot that maybe Im not giving him enough to make him feel that there is more things to love about me. But , what Im not done was, how because of this whole situation , I couldnt accept the fact that there was a mr right actually waiting for me . I was so afraid that i would just be step over and get that feeling of being unwanted and unloved . I was too broken and it carried me all the way until today . I wasnt able to interact with any other guys because I was afraid of too many things. What if Im going to fall for the wrong person and get my heart crushed once more ? Everything was just too scary .
Secondly , My social life was destroyed . Like what I said , I had cut down so much interaction after that incident . I was too careful about what will happen to my poor heart . I couldnt be myself anymore . My thoughts were raging war. Everytime a guy just has an object to be friends with me , I Often find myself pushing everybody because the memory was too painful . I remember how i cried myself to sleep silently re-reading ur breakup text to me , and FYI , nobody should ever breakup through text , i swear it its the most INSINCERE thing to ever do . Maybe we were too young to ever understand these . I found myself overeating and crying spells happen so often those days . I was so tempted to just run away . My life was like on the line to ever let go or just hold on . From then on , I guess no guy was able to have a proper convo with me .
Thirdly , My emotion was just wild .it was quite horrendous till i was just checking on symptoms of depression. HAHA ok la i couldnt confirm anything but yeah . I was too fragile , I was just so difficult to be mended back . Take a Glass for an example , That Glass was your limited edition, just one left in the entire world , imagine I dropped it, what happen to the glass? It shattered right ? ok , apologise to the glass for all the hardworks for it was being put through ; the hot fire to shape the glass and the moulding process , Did it ever went back to its original shape? anyways , Once in awhile like one of these nights , I will wonder what happen to myself , Was I just that bad ? Did I ever do something that makes you really upset that makes you not love me anymore ? It took me until sec 4 beginning to fix myself that I dont need you anymore. U can just leave and never come since it has been 2 years the whole situation happen . But I guess it hasnt done much changes since that day . I asked myself if i was ever worthy of being any guys's girl . I never had once that I thought that I would be such amazing girlfriend to anybody but all that was on my mind was that " If he cant even handle you , i dont know who else will". Was I so hard? I couldnt understand anything myself . Till today , I wonder if i am ever be of worthy to anyone
That being said , I realised one thing during the whole miserable times. God took away you because we never meant for each other. I was very sure that I would give up 101 things in my life but not Jesus . We had this convo before and then I realised , One will never have happy endings and smooth sailing days without Jesus in each other life. Thats when I started to let you go because I was sure we werent the right people for each other. At the end of the day , I did know we werent going to last . Just didnt knew it would be so soon . But then , I came a realisation that the entire chaos , there was something u never told me that was the reason for all these ;You never told me what was wrong , what happen to these whole thing , was the whole thing about me ? There was never a reason for the break up . The feeling will just linger around because of not being able to settle things out .
Okay so now , you ask me , " If I have One chance to ask him and tell me what was wrong ,would it make any difference? " I'll say , you should have done it 3 years ago when I cared . There isnt a point to listen for many hours and sort the whole thing and then come to a conclusion that we both arent for each other. If I ever bumped into you in the future when u decide to sort this whole thing out , I'll ignore you for my entire life . Like what I said , the memory of it was just too painful I think I will never forget how my first love , was such a nightmare dressed like a daydream . I will never imagine that particular day to happen ; when I came to find you the previous day on national day to celebrate national day together because we never had a chance last year , and then finding myself getting a break up text from you the very next day. It was such a joke hahah . sigh my heart has been dealing these emotional times I wish I wasnt alive to feel all these . Everything on tumblr was just " wow that Is me , right there , between those sad lines "
This post is just to tell you all that , sometimes, we gotta be dependent on nobody but us . we are the best people that cant fail . Life is just a passing moment , too little time to waste on time that will be a laughing memory when we grow up. To everybody who is feeling depressed , i just want to tell you that you are not alone . I was looking at a blog that my senior used to blog and she recently blogged on a title that wrote " Lessons of life after a breakup" and it lead me to write up about what I experienced and felt through my break up life . She quoted a part that says , " ( none of these lessons would be learnt without a break up) " break up is actually a blessing, its just a conspiracy of the universe to lead you your soulmate , so happy breakups folks till you find the one " .
with this I conclude this post with the main takeaway
You are my most painful first love
& God has his way .
sorry this is a very depressing post HAHA but I Hoped u have been benefited in a way or another
cheers x
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